Warning: I’m sure this will
offend some people out there, but heck how many people are really reading this
anyway? I’m going to diss a whole hell of a lot of the shenanigans I see going
on with parenthood and the internet (forums and social media, primarily BabyCenter
and Facebook). If it offends you, well, that’s too bad.
Really
Screwed Up Stuff I See:
- Posting photos of your home pregnancy test.
Why is this an issue? Well, I assume
if you’re posting a picture of your pregnancy test, you’re still within the
first trimester of pregnancy, which is when the majority of miscarriages occur.
Wait until you’re out of the first trimester. Also, I don’t need to know that
you have awesome peeing-on-sticks or peeing-in-cups skills. Also, it’s pretty
damned inconsiderate to anyone on your Facebook list who is having difficulty
conceiving or is infertile.
- Dilation updates via iPhone during labor!
Why is this an issue? Frankly, no one really
needs to know how many fingers the OB nurse was able to insert into your
cervix. Either the Demerol is really frakking good, or you’re an attention
whore. “GUYS I’M IN LABOR! DID YOU SEE? DID YOU SEE?” (Yeah, we've seen every post from the past 6 hours coming through our feed).
- Telling your 400+ Facebook friends that you think it’s time to give your child(ren) a new sibling, and that you’re working on it!
Why is this an issue? It’s great that
you want to give your child a sibling. I applaud you for that. However, I don’t
want to know that “you’re working on it.” Frankly, most people DON’T want to think
about other people having sex, and it makes me think that you’re an attention
whore.
- Albums of 75+ photos from your hospital stay / child’s first two days of life.
Why is this an issue? Do you really
need 75+ photos of your hospital on Facebook? No, you really don’t. This just
makes me think you’re yet again a moronic attention whore. I’m sorry, but your
newborn infant isn’t that cute, and frankly, neither are you or the 30 people
you invited to the hospital. AFK vomiting.
- Circumcision photos
Why is this an issue? Don’t you think that
circumcision is kind of a private affair? Do we really need to see your infant’s
foreskin being removed? Do we want to see this procedure? No, most of us DO NOT
WANT TO SEE THIS. This just makes me think you have poor judgment.
- Photos where we can see the mother’s vagina directly after the child is born.
Why is this an issue? Personally, I
find a vagina to be a personal subject, and once you post pictures of it on
Facebook, it’s rather public. A woman’s vagina should be between her, her
significant other and her medical practitioners. If you’re posting these photos
on Facebook, this just makes me think you have extremely poor judgment.
- Photos of the baby directly after birth …
Why is this an issue? Yeah, I’m sorry,
no one needs to see a baby covered in amniotic fluid, blood and vernix. Go
ahead and take these photos if you’re that excited, but please don’t post them
to facebook. MAYBE post the photos after the second APGAR test is performed.
- Status updates talking about being covered in bodily fluids/solids.
Why is this an issue? We get that you’re
a mother. We get that it’s a huge task, and it can be kind of gross. Do I
really need to know that you wandered around all day with puke or poop or pee
on you? No, and neither do the other 400+ people who saw your Facebook status
pop up right before dinner time …
- Status updates talking about having clogged milk ducts.
Why is this an issue? I kind of have
issues with people who post photos of them or their wife breastfeeding. I mean,
it isn’t that big of a deal, but do I need to see it go through my status feed
when I log onto Facebook in the morning? That’s not really as big of a deal as
someone updating their status message and giving the gory details of having a
clogged milk duct. Oh my God, seriously?
- Taking a name that’s sacred or very special from another religion or culture and naming your child that name (i.e., Cohen).
Why is this an issue? I don’t have a
problem with using names from other cultures. I do have a problem with people
naming their children something like Cohen (the Jewish priest class) or Shiva
(a Hindu God). These are very special names to those cultures; respect that
instead of your zeal for uniqueness.
- Trying to make a popular name unique by changing the spelling and in the process stripping the name of any of its redeeming qualities …
Why is this an issue? The traditional
spelling of my name is Caitlin. It’s the Anglicized version of the Irish
version of Catherine/Cathleen. It’s spelled with a “C” not a “K”. It’s spelled
with an “I” not a “Y”. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. You know what
spinners are on car tires? Spelling a perfectly wonderful name like “Caitlin”
as “Kaitelynn” is just as tacky as putting spinners on your tires. Technically,
they’re all pronounced the same way, so she’ll still be one of many
Caitlin/Caitlyn/Kaitlin/Kaitlyn/Catelynn/Kaitelynn’s in her grade if the name
is popular that year. You aren’t really being unique, you’re just being a
disgrace to the English language.
- Giving your kids matching (“sibset”) names!
Why is this an issue? I’m sorry, but I
just absolutely hate cutesy sibset names. Your uterus is not a theme park, so why have themed kids names? If you want to theme something, pick
a theme for your kid’s birthday parties, not their names.
- Twilight names ...
Why this is an issue? Twilight is a
crappy book. Isabella/Bella and Jacob were popular before Twilight, but then
you see a rise in names like “Cullen”, “Emmett”, “Jasper” and “Rosalie” since
the books were published and even more so after the films were released. How do
you explain to your kid in ten years that you named them after characters with
absolutely no personality?
And, that's not all I have to say on the subject. Some day, I will post about it even more coherently.
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